Doppelgangers are cool....

when your doppelganger is a hot celebrity. Let me tell you a lil diddy about my "doppleganger." A few years ago I had multiple people tell me I look like Avril Lavigne. Sweet... I look like a blonde chick that wears a lot of eye makeup. I suppose that does sum me up. I'm ok with it. Well as we all know, lil miss Avril made a comeback (just like this blog) about a month or so ago. So a couple weeks back, my officemate turns to me and says "Avril is just so unattractive!" Pan the camera to my jaw dropping. Say whaaa?? My ego just crumbled like the Berlin wall. Fine. I got over it....until...today. I'm sitting at my desk, yet again, and I get a message from a friend. "I finally figured it out. Your doppelganger is Avril Lavigne!" Fuh....  But just in case Avril ever reads this blog, I am a fan and I think you're beautiful and if you ever need a sidekick, I'm here for you girl. Call me.

That's all you get for today. It's a Wednesday and I got things to do bro!

You Could Fit In My Trunk

Ohhh haaaayyy! I'm back! No, I didn't give up on the blogging thing already... I just was busy seeing the west coast behind a haze of wine goggles. However, I think Cali got it all wrong. Death Valley is definitely in Napa. Definitely. Thought about creating a shirt that says I survived Napa Valley with Napa crossed out and Death written above it. Maybe that's my new business venture if blogging doesn't get me famous here soon. So anyway. Here I sit back on the east coast just bursting with stories. Lucky for you I could blog for daaaays.

But since none of us has days to sit and read my stories, let's do a cliffnotes version of my trip to California:
- Starting in NY we decided to go east to Cali. We were not boy scouts. How are we supposed to know how to use a compass.
- Got car service at 3 am from a drunk man who realllly likes Taylor Swift. "Feelin twenty twooooo" Help me Baby J
- Saw the sights of Sacramento from a bike... and a hatchback trunk... really beautiful stars out there
- Had an enlightening experience in which I learned the 5 dollar bill is ALSO considered a dollar bill yet vending machines are selective and only accept 1 dollar bills...
- On day 5 of the trip I had to ask what time the sun sets in Cali. FYI It's approximately 9:15

So when I was telling my friends about the trunk situation, a friend surprisingly asked "you can fit in a trunk?!" I naturally replied "well you could fit in my trunk!" awkward siiiilence and theeen laughter. Fast forward to a little bit later in the night when we are all on the subway... a very crowded subway... I look over to my friend and say "at least we have poles this time!" More silence. More laughter.  The point I was really trying to make was that I wasn't train surfing this time and I was so pleased to have a pole to hang on to. Despite my adventures with the Pussycat Doll workout video... I have had no experiences with poles of any sort.

Also. Cali has a severe lack of bros. Looks like I'm living in the land of the bros. Plenty of material to keep this blog going.

Slap It. Slap It. Grind It. Pop It.

What is UP Pussycat Doll workout video! I can't take any workout seriously that the person yells slap it over and over again and expects me not to laugh but nonetheless I decided to do the workout. Step 1... close the blinds. Can't have any creepers watchin THIS. Step 2... move coffee table. Need as much space as possible to be sexayyy. Step 3 Get in the zone. Step 4 Push play. Ok so the beginning wasn't bad because we were warming up but I should have know what I was in for when we started doing body pops.... and then it just escalated from there."We're going to bring out your PCD sexiness." Oh gawd. Why is being sexy so painful? First... are there no bones in these girls bodies? I'm pretty sure people aren't supposed to move like that.  I would just like the producers to know that they failed at making me feel sexy. Woke up this morning and literally could not walk because my hammies hurt so bad. Guess I got somewhat of a workout in but I can tell you with 100% confidence that I do not look sexy walking around today. I also think the DVD should have instructions: Consume 3 adult bevvies before doing this workout to not feel like an idiot. Should I be embarrassed that I'm so sore today? Does that mean I didn't know how to be sexy before and now I'm using all these new sexy muscles? Like my hamstrings? Such a sexy muscle....

Pop quiz. How many times did I say sexy in that last paragraph? Winner can have my PCD workout vid.

It's Saturday and I'm sitting here with my Starbucks blogging. So. Cool. Don't worry everyone. I'm sending out the feelers as we speak. "What are we doing tonight?" "Hang out with me." "I'm really fun. I promise." hashtag neeeeeeddyyy. I'm not opposed to continuing my day long Lifetime movie marathon but it's going to make for some unusually boring blogs. Can't get famous that way.

I'm Only a Little Bit Crazy

I came across the sudden realization that everyone is crazy and it's only amplified in New York. For example... I was hanging out with New York's finest today to get some good people watching in. Doesn't take long before the entertainment shows up. Some man stumbles over to my bench, doesn't ask to sit down (rude) and lights up his cigarette while somehow still managing to keep his head up. You would think this story is going down the path of a drunken civilian story. Psyyyche. He was wearing women's shoes! White studded flats that in no way matched his outfit. At least he knew to wait on the white shoes til after Memorial Day. Sunday entertainment number 2 shows up and it's a man with slicked back hair just creepin around the benches starin at all the ladies. Best part is... he has the type of glasses that you can't see his eyes (perfect for creeping) but he was doing it wrong! He slid his glasses down to the end of his nose and was peering over the top of his glasses. Peek a boo! I see you! Creeper....

With people like that in the world I can't possibly be thaaaat crazy right? I'm only minimally crazy... and it's in the entertaining way... right? Looking for some validation from the blogging world. My craziness has a direct correlation with the number of drinks I have. As adult bevvy consumption increases so does my crazy. Anything after 6 drinks is what I like to call Full On Crazy.  (Sorry Mom and Dad).

Examples of the crazy: Last weekend... I decided that at 3 am my friend and I needed to go to the store to get the eggs I was going to cook in the morning. Walmart is, afterall, 24 hrs. We walk over to Walmart to find it's closed. Guess I shouldn't have been so confident in telling my friend it's open 24 hrs. But that doesn't stop me! Let's try the grocery store. stumble stumble shuffle. Get to the other store... also closed. waaaahhhh. How am I supposed to cook my eggs in the morning!? Doesn't even cross my mind that stores are open in the morning. Crazy.

Next example: getting mad at people for not saying hi to me when I see them out. Have I checked the mirror lately? I'm 4'9 and I'm in a bar. Nobody can see me unless they literally trip over me. But let's just ignore that fact and get sassy with everyone. Totally fine and not crazy.

Example 3: I attempted to air crochet to teach my friend ... in the middle of the bar. Imagine what THAT must look like from across the bar. "You hold the needle like thissss and then you just loop it like thisssss" Doesn't sound that crazy but I bet it sure did LOOK crazy.

I definitely think all of this is fine though because bros like crazies right?

Snooki Ruined my Chances of Becoming Famous

The world can't have 2, famous, 4'9 partiers that aren't afraid to say what's on their mind.... so I would just like to say that I don't have a kid and can therefore maintain an entertaining television show sans those little things. Hire me!

Yesterday... I said something that was dumb. Shocking. When I was younger I had a back surgery and one of the scars comes right up to my stomach over my lil ribcage. Got a little confused had to have a serious texting convo with my mum on what the heck happened. Meanwhile in the office I'm trying to explain to my officemate about how a rib was used to fuse my spine "yea... so now I have the same amount of ribs as men do." I'm about to turn back to my lappy toppy when I notice that my officemate is giving me the "what the fuhhhh" look. I casually respond "ohhhh.... that's just in the Bible isn't it....?" Thanks J for feeding me lies. Now I look like an idiot.


The answer is 206. What is the number of bones in men AND women, Alex?