You Can Thank Verizon for this Post

Ok here I sit before going out and doing my single gal thing. How does my hair look?!?

See that action shot?!

Cool. Let's continue. So my phone has officially come to "end of life." It was just straight garbage thanks to Apple making phones less and less awesome over the years so I cut out at lunch on Thursday to get me a new cellular device. Turns out... I encountered the most aggressive sales person ever (he also happens to like my hair). I force this sales man to explain to me for an hour how I could possibly be making out better if I buy an iPad. When I sit and do all the math (yes. finance) I decide it's for real. So I tell him that I'm in but he's gotta make this happen FAST. I gots a job to do!

A few system glitches along the way and the Mr. Salesman tells me they're out of iPads until APRIL. the fuh. I'm like dude. I got to go! I'll come back tomorrow. He takes my phone and calls his phone... seems sketch no? Looking back I think I may have acquired a stalker. Perhaps a later blog post.

Good ol' Friday rolls around and as my team rolls out to go to the gym, I vigilantly make my way back to Verizon. Mr. Salesman is with another customer so I wait. Next thing I know... my whole world changes. A woman rolls in sits next to me and is like "this seems like a great place to sit and check my messages!" Oh ok... sure?

For the next 45 mins. FORTY FIVE. This woman talks at me about how she used to be a model and you know. She still is a model and her type of work requires her to have a phone and take candid pictures so naturally she asks me to take her picture on what must be a burner phone. She fixes her hair for 5 mins while telling me her favorite skin and hair care products are. I take the picture. Can't just take 1. Must take 3. She gives up and says it's alright. She needs to upload it to this site because she wants to try and book a gig in the area right at that moment (it's now 430 pm on a Friday). Things are starting to seem a lil sketch.

I assume she will leave once she uploads the photo but ohhhh how wrong I was.

She wants to discuss my career. Naturally she has also been in the financial industry. She was there for 5 years but was only supposed to be there for 2 years FYI.

Meanwhile other Verizon employees stop over to see if she needs anything and she responds "no, we're ok thank you!" To which I'm literally throwing out the SOS signs. This woman is bat shit cray.

Next story she stumbles upon is how her mother is dead and that's why you got to spread love where you go.

Then we discuss coconut oil. Great for hair, skin and cooking.

Then we discuss how she was in a Bloomingdales ad but the woman in the store thought she was Asian

Which leads to a job lead she had but they wanted a Black-Asian mix with blonde hair.

Which leads to her talking about how her new life goal is to start a non profit.

But then she got sidetracked and wanted to discuss her bag envy since she was carrying 3 bags and I only had 1. (sketch city)

Back to the non profit. She needs a finance person eventually to which I fiiiinnally say "yes. you will eventually need that."

Then she gives up. Gives me her name. Tells me how pretty I am and that she wishes me all the best and that God blesses me and that hopefully we cross paths again.

.....

 Just when I think it's over. Some extremely large fellow starts screaming at this poor 5 ft nothing girl. Naturally I pull out my phone. Got to document this! But oh wait. Still have my garbage phone.

Somehow the dust settles.

Mr. Salesman returns. He tells me since they can't give me the iPad he'll just give me all the promos that go along with it! Win!We spend another hour deciding phone cases cuz... well.. gotta be cute duh.

As I go to leave Mr. Salesman tells me to stop back anytime to which I laugh and say "not a chance." 

READ THIS BLOG. please :)

Ehlo kiddos! Fancy meeting you here. I would like you all to know that just a measly 3 hours ago I had intentions of coming home from work, cleaning out my closets, and doing laundry. TWO hours ago a friend sent me down a rathole of insta memes. Which leads me to:

"Fack it. I'll just drink wine and blog instead"

Leads me to my second biggest first world problem I have been having lately. Two songs have been pulling at my heart strings and I just can't decide which one I like more! Closer vs Never be Like You 

Alright so that was a fun little interactive session. Let's move on to the story telling portion shall we? Great. Too bad I've got nothing super great to tell.

Hmmm.... WELL OK. So a few gal pals and I decided to go to the Angry Orchard... brewery? this past weekend "upstate." (Gawd I'm such a city slicker) We arrive at the most adorable lil brewery ever which we zoom through to get our free tasting. Mind you these tastings are pretty decent size so naturally we consume the bevvies and think "WE SHOULD GET MORE!" So we try to get more and they're like no way jose. No more than the tastings. WUT. I just commuted a solid 2 hrs to come up here and I don't even love cider. GIVE ME MORE! Quick thinking on our part and we zoom off to a nearby winery

Welllllll let's just say this winery is in a dingy lil basement with some random townie playing Tom Petty songs in the corner (my favorite part.) My least favorite part was by far the smell. The crew said it smelled like a basement; I thought it smelled like dead bodies. Difference of opinion.... Anywho after a few pours I ask the woman if they grow the grapes on site to which she bluntly replies "No." OH OK. SWEET. I see you upstaters have a friendly personality and DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF BEING A WINERY. I felt lied to and hurt. Thank goodness there was wine around to soothe the pain. HA jk jk.  Anyway we finished our tasting and headed back to the city. Four hours of commuting... 1.5 hrs of drinking. We got it backwards this time folks. Disclaimer! We always have designated drivers and you all should as well! 

Regardless of the lil bumps in the road it actually was a very enjoyable time and I HIGHLY recommend the Knotty Pear Angry Orchard Cider. It tastes like Christmas in a glass!! (FYI my autocorrect just changed Christmas to Christians which was so funny I had to tell everyone. Christians in a glass... just what everyone wants when they think of drinking cider hahaha)

Cheers kiddos! Chat soon!

Forgive Me, NYC for I Have Sinned

Alright alright. I feel like it's my moral obligation to admit my ass-holiness. (sorry mom and dad) I was THAT person last Thursday night but TO BE FAIR. I have to deal with about 300 of THOSE people every single day. So whatever. Thursday was my turn.

I hadn't seen one of my friends in what seemed like ages because of this lil thing called work. So as I resurfaced and she returned from vacation, we met up at a bar called Wined Up. So cute right?! We had some drinks and gave big ol' grins to the cute Irish bartender and then carried on our way. My gal pal went uptown and I got to wander my way a few blocks home.

I get to my corner. NO not like the corner that some ladies who work the night shift stand at... like the corner that marks my home is close. I start crossing the street when a cab starts honking at me. I jump back up on the curb and he stops right in front of me. We LITERALLY scream at each other for a bit. Him telling me to get the eff out of the street. Me telling him to learn how to effing drive. Him telling me he has the right away. Me telling him that he is effing blind ... and then... I realize. He had the light and I was in the wrong....

He drives away and I turn around to see a woman clutching her children to which I say "can we just pretend I had the right away?! I can't stand these cab drivers!" She looks all bewildered and shakes her head and says. "Yes. Yes we can."

OOPS.

"Pokemon Go" is the same in every language

Today I went on an 8 mile walk (inspired by the Olympics of course), and as you all know, NYC has quite the diversity. This means no surprise when I say a BAZILLO different languages are spoken. Funny enough as I was wandering north, I kept hearing "pokemon go" sprinkled among all the various conversations... in all the various languages.

As I was starting to wind down my walk I hear quick feet approaching from behind me followed by boys voices yelling at one another... so let me just say that this is just RUDE to do if 1. there's not an emergency and 2. you're not trying to rob me. I quickly move to the side slash turn around to see what is sprinting at me. Next thing I hear is "IS THE CHARIZARD OVER HERE!?! GO GO GO!!" I actually stood speechless for a few minutes and watched as they ran back and forth on 73rd street looking for a nonexistent character. This is me judging.

Don't worry. I'm not judging pokemon go players. I'm judging people who are legit letting it take over their lives.

Let It Go

When I walked into Trader Joe's tonight and heard Let It Go blasting from the speakers, I knew I must blog. I for sure had a Mary Tyler Moore moment in TJ's. Just took my red basket and spun around in circles, glitter floating down from the ceiling, pretending all of my life's dreams had come to fruition in a dingy lil grocery store in lower Manhattan. 

JK it was awful. Lines were super long. People were shouting. Fruit was rolling around on the floor. Thank GOD for Idina Menzel ... or Adele Dazeem if you're John Travolta. 

Ok so this blog ALMOST is about bros again. It was either Sex and the City or The Real Housewives of New York... but ONE of those shows talked about how Manhattan is so small that you run into your dates all the time OR you end up dating somebody your friend had already gone on a date with. WELL. It happened. 

Ok so I did my research. The island is 23 sq miles and 1.6M people live in just Manhattan alone. So... the likelihood of me running into somebody I went on a date with should really be slim to none. Now that the stage is set. I shall continue

Yesterday I went to my friend's bday party on the UWS. < city speak for upper west side. We went to the Boat Basin which is essentially a bar underneath an overpass which makes it impossible to have a conversation cuz... those acoustics. Perfect if you hate the company you're with. It was unfortunate for me because I did actually like the company and what's even worse... I went with THE quietest friend I have. So essentially I got to practice lip reading. Not always my strongest skill. #silverlining

As I stroll into the bar looking for the crew, I'm maneuvering through crowds of people and there he is. Right there in front of me. Some guy I met a year and a half ago. I wasn't attracted to him but he was from Nebraska so I figured I should give him a shot. Most of you are probably trying to figure out which bro this one is from the blog. Turns out I don't ACTUALLY blog about every bro interaction. He never made it on here. Super nice guy but just wasn't gonna work out. Lucky for him... I saw him randomly so he finally made the blog! yay! 

Because I'm a mature individual ... I completely ignored him and kept walking. We're not gonna turn this guy into a "Vday steve" situation. Cmon now. 

"Age and glasses of wine should never be counted"

THAT is an Italian proverb that was so nicely printed on my wine bag. I couldn't agree more with the statement.

I don't even know where to start. I feel like I've had so much happen and yet nothing at all. Well to start we can discuss my day. I attempted to go to Central Park to get tan and I legit thought I was going to die from heat stroke. It's hot as sin outside and I don't own a drop of sunscreen so basically I was just testing my luck with life. After a grand total of about 13.2 minutes I found myself an ice cream truck and walked myself to a diner. YES. I got ice cream and THEN went to lunch. And YES. I ate by myself. This is New York, son. Ain't no shame.

As a side note... heard this song at the gym (things you do when you eat lunch after you eat dessert) today and love it so much. Click the liiiink!

Get Turnt

And if you'd like to buy those neat lil glasses pictured above, I found them at Fish Eddy in Manhattan. I did not buy them but it's because I don't have enough space to host people and I thought it might be weird to drink out of "turnt" glasses ... by myself...

The next couple weeks will be nuts. I'm supposed to be in JERSEY this weekend... followed by a trip to the Minnie after that!! yay!

Trader Joe's: The Trilogy

Sometimes I just feel like somebody upstairs must be messing with me. I'm standing in line at Trader Joe's because yes, I spent a lot of money on things like shoes and working out so yes, I needed to save money and shop at Trader Joe's. It's called budgeting kids. It used to be my job.

But first... the shoes...

Ok so now that we've had that moment... back to TJ's. I'm waiting in line AND THERE'S ANOTHER FIGHT. I just was beside myself. Three older women yelling at each other for the same reason as the last time... someone was not moving fast enough in the line. TJ's is starting to become the new age Fight Club. 

Anyway anyway. Remember when this blog used to be about beers and bros? I need to get back to that. It's just my friend and I have a theory that the bros left the island for the summer but they'll be back for "hibernating" season. Their term. Not mine. I do think, in general, all the bros moved to Brooklyn. All the bros with their short pants, sock game, and boat shoes on point. < that right there is not a grammatically correct sentence and I'm not even going to correct it. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.

I'll be back soon with more bro related blogs. I mean I AMMMM going to Chicago soon and who doesn't just absolutely loove a midwesty bro?!