Dating Advice: Fool Proof Pick Up Line

I'm testing the waters on giving dating advice in case any of these magazines ever pick me up for some "freelance" work. See what I'm doing there? It sounds so New Yorky to say "freelance." Plus I'm sitting in my 200 sq ft apartment typing away on a Macbook air. This either screams hipster or Carrie Bradshaw. Either way I'm full of some gaddamn entertainment people!

Alright anyway. This week has been a real strugglefest. Lots of work and little sleep. Someone shed a tear for me. K. So. Monday was in line with the rest of the week... aka pretty not fun but I was rounding out the day when my coworker asked me if I wanted to go to the Islanders game with her and her boyfriend. HECK YES I DO. She heads back to my desk with ticket in hand. Then it happens. I look at the ticket and see... FRONT ROW EVENT SEATING. We hit the jackpot folks.

We hustle out of work to get ourselves over to Brooklyn... ugh. After some super great food and dranks, we sit down IN THE FRONT ROW for the start of the game. Next thing we know three bros roll in and sit right next to me. Of course I instantly look at their hands and see 2 of the 3 are married. Whatever. I'm here for the game anyway.... and the wine in a sippy cup. Duh.

Not even within minutes... within SECONDS, the married bro next to me introduces himself (cuz I'm awesome obvi). We're making small talk and he asks where our office is located in the city. Naturally the first thing I blurt out would be my apartment cross streets. This wouldn't be bad but then I immediately started blushing and laughing which then tipped off the bro that something happened. Flustered, I respond, "Oh my gosh. I just gave you my apartment cross streets." INCORRECT RESPONSE ASHLEY.

Let's make this real simple. Despite what I actually said, all the bro heard was "I want you to come to my apartment after the game." Luckily the bros got more and more drunk and the next thing you know the bro is telling me that he'll meet me on 29th and 6th which is most definitely not where I live. Let's just say I scurried out the door and went straight to bed in my apartment ... far from 29th and 6th.

Fool proof pick up line: bluntly giving your apartment address upon first meeting a bro
Dating advice: run from said bro that get overly excited about this

The one that got away... sort of...

Ok... this one's a real doozy. Everyone remember Vday Steve? He's frequented this blog. In fact... if it weren't for vday steve I don't know how much material I would really have. I believe this is the 3rd and final episode in the trilogy so buckle up kiddos.

Back in October/November I randomly received a friend request (which rarely happens anymore now that I'm becoming a "mature" a-dult.) Anyway just about lose my ish when I see it's from VDAY STEVE! I sit there and scratch my head and am like da fuh. Who adds somebody on Facebook when he technically never knew my last name! Curse you technology and connecting all sorts of information. So I spaz a bit and just sit on it... and do some stalking of course.

A good month + later I decide I'm a little bored (also confirming how terrible of a person I am) and I decide I'm gonna text this mofo and call him out for adding me on Facebook after not having spoken for a solid year and a half. This somehow leads to him calling me out for blowing him off blah blah blah and he wants to meet up. OK FINE. Twist my arm. We can go get drinks... on you ;).

We meet up at this speakeasy that's super dark. Great. I can just fall asleep in this booth in case this gets super boring. Turns out vday steve has grown up and he's super fun! Whoa. Pump the breaks. I don't know what to do on a date that's aaaactually going well! Go home all giggly. Life is good.

The next day is NYE and I'm telling all the gal pals how great the date went while simultaneously being super confused. I blew him off initially but last night went well... was i love drunk? noooo... couldn't be. Ok so go through life and didn't really hear from him but get this somewhat awkward message " i lost my phone and am messaging you through my computer" oh ok... Internal thought: he might be cutting ties. Totes fine. Then the next night I get a lil too many drinks in me and text "oh I had so much fun we should do it again!" To which I do the whole facepalm thing in the morning like wuuuut was I thinking?! I was over it by mid morning but got a response from vday steve saying how much fun he had and he wanted to meet up again! He also said he's still waiting for his phone but he'll message me when he gets it. ....... So it was a bit of a rollercoaster cuz LET'S BE REAL. I would be at a store getting a phone in my hand WITHIN THE HOUR. So I was like ok ok. No second date.


Four days pass. FOUR DAYS. And I get a super chipper message. "Hi I got my phone back!" Oh ok. This bro was being for real. Well that's odd. So we chat it up for a short bit and move on with our lives. The next day I decide that I'm supposed to text him because that's how stupid dating works. Gotta show interest you know. DUMB. So we talk a bit and I'm starting to get over this whole thing because.... well... it's really not been that exciting. So alright. Peace. We leave it.

Four more days pass. FOUR. And by this time I'm just assuming we're gonna ghost each other. Life will go on. OH NO. I was very wrong. I get back to my desk and phone after 5 hours of meetings to have a lil novela waiting on my phone. And I'll just leave this here....



Ok so let's all take a moment. Very aware that this was a "I don't want to see you anymore" message... but can we all also agree that in the EIGHT days that had passed we had already silently agreed on that lil tidbit?! I am however flattered that his "breakup" text made me sound so important that I played a part in his LIFE DECISION. And by life decision I mean fake life decision. lolz.  I also appreciate the formalness. It's like I'm a gym that requires a formal letter in order to terminate membership. So I will admit that stung a lil bit to read at first because I mean... who passes this up ;) But now I can't stop laughing about the situation that is vday steve.... and all I can think of is .... I used to be love drunk.... except I'm not agreeing with the lyrics of the song - just that fact that I think I might have gotten love drunk in the basement of a speakeasy.

Thank goodness vday is coming up again... third times a charm...??? :)